Swedish Yokes: A Collection of Knee-Smackers Page 3
Q: Are you finding it difficult to keep coming up with insane jokes to fill this book?
A: You have no idea.
Q: What is so difficult about it?
A: Have you ever tried to turn your brain into applesauce?
Q: Well, no I haven’t.
A: If you lose, you lose. If you win, your brain is applesauce.
Q: That doesn’t sound pleasant.
A: It’s not.
Q: Is there anything I can do to help?
A: Ask me about something other than sports. I don’t care for sports.
Q: Sure, sure.
Something Other Than Sports:
Q: How can I make this easier on you?
A: Ask me some easy questions.
Q: Are you saying you want me to throw you some softballs?
A: Watch it, Buster!
Q: You want me to watch a Buster Keaton film?
A: GET ON WITH IT!!!
Q: What is your name?
A: Barry Raspbody.
Q: What is your middle name?
A: Baseball.
Q: How do you make it through the day?
A: I breathe yakygen.
Q: Make up a funny name for us. I know how you like those.
A: Kooblekopp Waxxwaggin Soopreeeem.
Q: I quite liked that! Give us another.
A: Shnooshwish Weinerware.
Q: Please, bless us with more!
A Thnogglederry Hoozellpie Robbinpants.
Q: How clever! Where do you find these names?
A: I just pull them from... the abyss.
Q: Do you mean Purgatory?
A: No, that’s a different place.
Q: I heard they read Harry Potter there.
A: You heard it here first!
Q: Would you like to take another nap?
A: Good gravy, no! Last time I did that, I had a horrible nightmare about a giant snail.
Q: Shall we move on to a new section?
A: Let’s do.
Music:
Q: How do you play horseshoes?
A: This is the “music” section, not the sports section. Go back to that section and ask me there.
Q: What is Louis Armstrong’s middle name?
A: Hockey.
Q: How many years does it take to master the piano?
A: Seven inches.
Q: You’re losing it.
A: Did I ever have it in the first place?
Q: Good point.
Q: What is the funniest sounding instrument?
A: The oboe.
Q: Who is the most difficult musician to clean up after?
A: Spill Collins.
Q: How can you tell if an orchestra is good?
A: Open your mouth and let the words flow.
Q: Where was Eric Clapton born?
A: On the planet Earthwolf.
Q: What are violin bows made out of?
A: Horse teeth.
Q: Who shot Tubby the Tuba?
A: ...
Q: I said, who shot Tubby the Tuba?!
A: .....
Q: It was YOU, wasn’t it?!
A: No, I just think the question is funny enough on its own.
Q: Ah. True, true.
Q: Where did the term “music” come from?
A: It comes from the first music, which was a percussive rhythm made from dripping mucus. It was invented when the murderer Cain got SICk and MUcus started dripping from his nose. The resulting rhythm made his family dance. “Music” is also an anagram of “mucus” spelled incorrectly: “mucis”.
Q: Who holds the record for the largest concert ever?
A: I think it was A-ha.
Q: No way!
A: U-huh.
Q: Why does a conductor wave a baton?
A: It is actually a magic wand. The conductor is secretly casting a spell over the entire orchestra, causing them to do his musical bidding.
Q: Was Michael Jackson a wizard?
A: If I am not mistaken, he was a scarecrow.
Q: Have you ever been to the opera?
A: No. Other way around. An opera singer once broke into my house. She broke the windows with her voice and came in to steal my TV.
Q: Why can birds sing?
A: I have no idea. And like I said, I don’t know why some of them can talk, either. It’s really starting to worry me.
Q: Interesting. Do you think you may suffer from Ornithophobia?
A: I might.
Q: Perhaps you should be psychologically evaluated. I’ll go get the doctor.
A: That’s not Dr. Seuss, is it?
Q: No. Dr. Frankenstein, actually.
Barry’s Psychological Evaluation:
Dr. Frankenstein: Barry Raspbody, good to meet you.
A: Good to meet you too, Doctor. I am a huge fan of your work.
Dr. Frankenstein: Oh yeah? What’s your favorite creation of mine?
A: Gerp Genkle.
Dr. Frankenstein: No kidding.
A: I wouldn’t lie to you, Victor.
Dr. Frankenstein: Don’t call me that.
A: I’m sorry.
Dr. Frankenstein: Can I be Frank with you?
A: Please do.
Frank: How long have you suffered from arachnophobia?
A: Actually, I suffer from Othinophobia. Or, I should say, I might suffer from it. We’re not really sure. That’s why Q brought you here.
Frank: Who’s that now?
A: Q. Our mutual friend.
Frank: Oh, right. I love his gadgets... Where were we?
A: We were trying to determine if I suffer from a fear of birds.
Frank: But of course! Let’s cast that aside for a moment and delve into your childhood.
A: Ok...
Frank: Where were you born?
A: The planet Earthwolf.
Frank: What do you think of when you think of Mom?
A: Mom.
Frank: What do you think of when you think of Dad?
A: Dad.
Frank: (Scribbles notes) Hmmm....
A: (Twiddles thumbs).
Frank: Let me ask you this, then... Are you afraid of birds?
A: I might be... That’s why we--
Frank: That’s it then! No further questions. Your diagnosis is clear: you suffer from a potential fear of birds.
A: Okay...
Frank: Do you need anything else from me?
A: Umm.... Err... (Sigh). I guess not.
Frank: Wonderful. Now go finish your joke book.
(Dr. Frankenstein disappears into a cloud of smoke)
The Final Stretch:
Q: How did it go?
A: In a cloud of smoke.
Q: Is your refrigerator running?
A: No.
Q: ...
Q: You know I’ve broken our punctuation rules more than a few times now, don’t you?
A: I gave up on you a while ago.
Q: What’s in the secret sauce.
A: No kidding.
Q: Huh?
A: I didn’t know that “what” was in the secret sauce.
Q: Whoops, I meant to put a question mark there.
A: I can never tell with you anymore.
Q: What’s in the secret sauce?
A: I can’t think of a funny answer. Give me another question.
Q: How do computers work?
A: They compute.
Q: Why are clowns so scary?
A: They’re secretly birds in disguise.
Q: Why is this section called “The Final Stretch”?
A: Because it’s the last one.
Q: But the “stretch” part.
A: This whole book is a bit of a stretch, don’t you think?
Q: I do.
Q: What should vegetarians eat for protein?
A: Garbanzo Beans.
THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT. May we never meet again...
To see the events that followed the release of this book, along with more jokes, read: Interview with the Dracula: A Contest
of Jokes
Also, follow Barry on Twitter: @BarryRaspbody