Swedish Yokes: A Collection of Knee-Smackers Read online

Swedish Yokes: A Collection of Knee-Smackers

  by

  Barry Raspbody

  Copyright 2012 by Barry Raspbody

  Contents:

  Contents

  A Note From the Author

  On Food

  About Food

  Science

  Geopolitical Sorts of Things

  Food Again

  Intermission: Little Roy Bongleboose and His Exciting Adventure

  Literature

  Sports

  Something Other Than Sports

  Music

  Barry’s Psychological Evaluation

  The Final Stretch

  A Note From the Author:

  I love to tell jokes, and people notice that about me. As a matter of fact, everyone I know, at one point or another, has told me that I should compile my laugh-makers into a book, so as to make million$, even billion$, perhaps. When I respond by saying “You know what? I think I will,” they see my earnestness and the smiles swiftly disappear from their faces. It’s usually at this point that they say, “Barry, I was only joking. Please don’t do that to the world!” I, of course, hear nothing but the word “joke” and run off to take another crack at my book.

  What you hold in your hands is some form of e-reader... Unless, of course, you are reading it on a computer or, even more unlikely, this book has miraculously become successful enough to make it to print. But about the book - this is the result of many years of blood, sweat, tears, love, and, likely, a very troubled mind. I hope you like it!

  - B

  On Food:

  Q: What is your favorite pizza topping?

  A: Lettuce.

  Q: Ketchup is best when...

  A: Please use a question mark.

  Q: When is ketchup best?

  A: 7:30.

  Q: Salt or Pepper?

  A: Do you think I’m a snail?! This is a no-brainer.

  Q: Just to clarify, are you saying...

  A: Next topic, please!

  About Food:

  Q: I scream, you scream, we all scream for...

  A: What did I say about question marks?

  Q: Okay, I’ll use them if you promise not to.

  A: I’m not promising ANYTHING.

  Q: I scream, you scream, we all scream for?

  A: Many times for help. Often just for attention.

  Q: Why do they call them Apple Jacks when they don’t taste like apples?

  A: Because they taste like Apple Jacks.

  Q: What is the best way to prepare a steak to eat?

  A: Tell it to wash its hands and give it some utensils.

  Q: What should a vegetarian eat for protein?

  A: Meat.

  Q: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s...

  A: ...

  Q: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, what is that?

  A: Physical abuse.

  Q: What is the most painful soda?

  A: Vanilla Poke.

  Q: Do you know what goes into a hot dog?

  A: No.

  Q: Who invented mayonnaise?

  A: Somebody with bad taste.

  Q: Have you ever eaten cat meat?

  A: Do you mean meat made for cats to eat, or the actual meat of a cat? I’ve done both.

  Q: Where do baby carrots come from?

  A: Wait, isn’t soda technically a drink?

  Q: Does cutting onions make you cry?

  A: Only when I can hear them scream.

  Q: Fish or Poultry?

  A: I once threw my fishing pole and it got stuck in a tree.

  Q: If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

  A: My last meal.

  Q: Rare or Well Done?

  A: Rare.

  Q: Your name last name is Raspbody?

  A: Yes.

  Q: Is your body...

  A: I am not comfortable discussing this. New topic.

  Science:

  Q: If geology is the study of rocks, then astronomy is the study of?...

  A: Rocks in space.

  Q: What are clouds made of?

  A: Evaporated kangaroo tears.

  Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg?

  A: It was a tie. We are currently scheduling a rematch.

  Q: Kyew?

  A: Eigh.

  Q: Have you lived through an earthquake?

  A: Well, I obviously didn’t die through one.

  Q: What was the name of Charles Darwin’s ship?

  A: Shippey Shippetty-doo. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.

  Q: Knock Knock.

  A: ...

  Q: Knock Knock?

  A: Who’s there?

  Q: Heusthayer.

  A: Heusthayer who?

  Q: Huesthayer Hjoooo.

  A: I should remind you that you continue to break our punctuation rules, but I will let it slide this time because I am ever so forgiving.

  Q: Where was Albert Einstein born?

  A: On the planet Earthwolf.

  Q: Can lightning strike twice?

  A: Yes, but three times and it’s out.

  Q: Why did you decide to write a book of jokes?

  A: I figured it would be more fun to read than a book of pokes.

  Q: What is the size of the human brain?

  A: The same size as an elephant with a birth defect that causes it to be the size of a human brain.

  Q: How long does it take a star to travel from the sun to the moon?

  A: Seven inches.

  Q: What should a vegetarian eat for protein?

  A: Meat.

  Q: Have you ever thought about how weird it is that parrots can talk?

  A: Yeah, it freaks me out.

  Q: Can we move on to a new subject?

  A: No.

  Q: Is there a place for magic?

  A: Yes. It’s called Purgatory.

  Q: Can we move on to a new subject now?

  A: Yes.

  Geopolitical Sorts of Things:

  Q: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

  A: Carmen Sandiego was recently arrested and executed via the electric chair, so she is not technically part of this world any longer. Didn’t you hear?

  Q: On which of the seventeen continents do the cobra snakes call home?

  A: Doesn’t really matter. Any one where they have access to a phone.

  Q: Who is the vice president of Europe?

  A: Fabigap Wopplebopple Sningazabbbzabbbbitt (Read it aloud for the full effect).

  Q: Rabbit season.

  A: Duck season.

  Q: Rabbit season.

  A: Duck Season.

  Q: Rabbit Season.

  A: Rabbit Season.

  Q: Duck Season.

  Q: Who was the eleventh president of the United States?

  A: James K. Poke.

  Q: What country currently contains the most trees?

  A: Donkey Kong Country.

  Q: What is the only nation with a ban on grenades?

  A: Grenada.

  Q: Where is the lost city of Atlantis?

  A: Lantis. I can’t believe nobody’s looked there.

  Q: When will WWIII happen?

  A: Nintendo has not currently announced a release date.

  Q: Who would win in a fight between a gorilla and a gorilla?

  A: The person watching the fight.

  Q: Where is the World Golf Championship held?

  A: Who cares?

  Q: When was the war of 1812?

  A: Little known fact: In the year 1812, the planet Earth spun through a time portal that transported it to the year 1972. The day the war ended
in 1975, Earth was providentially struck by a time-asteroid, which transported it back to the year 1815. So it depends who you ask.

  Q: What is the world’s top religion?

  A: Judaism. They sure like those dreidels.

  Q: What is, by far, the cloudiest country in the world?

  A: Australia.

  Q: In what state is the Grand Canyon?

  A: It’s just spiffy.

  Q: How long does it take to cross the Atlantic Ocean by boat?

  A: Seventeen hours and thirty-three minutes.

  Q: What is the secret to world peace?

  A: Everyone should do as I say. Don’t tell me it won’t work when it’s never been tried.

  Food Again:

  Q: How great are donuts?

  A: This great.

  Q: Why is cheese steak so named when it’s not really a steak and doesn’t use real cheese?

  A: Because it wouldn’t sell if they called it what it is: “gross”.

  Q: What are pickles made from?

  A: Pickle Fruits.

  Q: Where do pickle fruits come from?

  A: Pickle Trees.

  Q: Where do pickle trees grow?

  A: Pickle Land.

  Q: Where is Pickle Land?

  A: Pickle Planet.

  Q: Where is Pickle Planet?

  A: Japan.

  Q: Who eats raspberries?

  A: Very, very bad people.

  Q: Why do they call them hamburgers when they aren’t made of ham?

  A: Do you know for a fact that they aren’t made of ham?

  Q: Well, now that you mention it, I don’t know that I’ve ever looked into it.

  A: You shouldn’t assume things.

  Q: ...

  A: They’re made of ham.

  Q: What’s the best place for fast food?

  A: The race track.

  A: Because I felt like changing things up.

  Q: Why is this question in backwards order?

  Q: What is cotton candy?

  A: A magic trick. It’s not food.

  Q: What is the tastiest part of a cow?

  A: The tongue.

  Q: Now, don’t you think that answer is a bit predictable and lazy?

  A: I’m sorry, I’m getting a little exhausted.

  Q: Why don’t you take a nap?

  A: Hey, I think I will. Be back in a few.

  Q: While A is napping, we are going to hear a story about Little Roy Bongleboose and his exciting adventure.